There are lots of stupid stuff in the world. Most stupid things are trends. One trend has been really chopping my ass: Acronym’s. And man, when I mean it’s chapping my ass, I MEAN ITS REALLY CHAPPING MY ASS. Now I know what you’re thinking, all the problems in the world and this is what I’m complaining about? Well look at you… complaining about my complaints. See what I did there? Let’s read the list of the most frequent Acronym’s:
Definition: As fuck.
Usage in a sentence: “Some y’all bitches ratchet af.”
What exactly is the point here? Some use this acronym so that they aren’t actually spelling the “FUCK” word out due to the fact that they’re friends with really old people on Facebook that find that word offensive and no matter how hard they seem on Facebook they’re still scared of mommy and daddy’s spankings. The majority of people, however, are using this acronym (like most) to save time. But I’ve got to be honest it took me forever to understand what it meant. I thought it was just a product of Ebonics and it was a new thing like “burr” was when Gucci Mane was popular.
Definition: For real, for real.
Usage in a sentence: “Y’all dead beat dad’s need to step up or get to steppin’ with your triflin’ asses frfr.”
This one, like the one above, is completely and totally pointless. If you have to put “for real” at the end of a sentence, wouldn’t it make the reader of your beautifully engineered status a more powerful statement if you spelled it out? I think so. And so does everyone with an IQ above 100.
Definition: Real nigga shit.
Usage in a sentence: “If you think you really that hard then step to me RNS.”
This one particularly confuses me. What exactly is real nigga shit? I most often see it used in a way to try and cement an alpha male status among his or her peers. For instance it’s usually used at the end of a rant talking about how nobody can fuck with them or if they do it’ll be the worst decision that person has ever made. But I’m for equality for all races and sexualities and what-not so I think people should start saying “RWPS” or better known as “Real white people shit.” Here’s an example of how we can start using RWPS in sentences: “Paid my child support, just bought a case of Coors light, Led Zepplin’s on the radio in my dodge charger blasting through the speakers while I cruise 20 over the speed limit on my way to watch the game at Danny’s house. Mhm, the good life. RWPS.” Or: “Made straight A’s again for the 12th time in my life. RWPS.” Or: “Made the dean’s list without being good at sports. RWPS.” Let’s start the motion.
4. CTFU, LMBO
Definition(s): Cracking the fuck up, Laughing my britches/butt off.
Usage in a sentence: “You dumb CTFU/LMBO.”
Don’t we have plenty of laughing acronyms? These may be the dumbest of them all. What’s wrong with just literally laughing like humans do? Ya know like: HAHAHAHAHA. There’s really no need to elaborate. If you can’t see how stupid these two are in particular then you probably use them… which makes you stupid.
5. LOL, LMAO, ROFL
Definition(s): Laugh out loud, Laugh my ass off, Rolling on floor laughing.
Usage in a sentence: “This kid just shit himself lol/lmao/rofl.”
I am guilty of using each of these… when I was 13 on myspace in 2004. I can partially understand the use of these. “Lol” is kind of like a “haha.” Lmao is laughing really hard as is Rofl. But I guess what bothers me is if you take it literally. Like I said, lol kind of gets a pass. But now think about if someone was laughing so hard that they fell to the ground and starting just rolling around. What would you think? I personally wouldn’t know what to do. Are they having a seizure, are they having a stroke? I don’t know. But, and bare with me now, what if something was so funny, so astounding, that someone was laughing, and they were laughing so fucking hard that their ass just fell off. Laughing so hard that after they stopped laughing they turned around and their ass was just laying there motionless on the ground. Laughing so hard that their pants fell straight to the ground because… they became ass-less. Are you scared? I am.
Last but not least are emoji’s. I’m getting so sick and tired of them. I understand them every once in a while but constantly having to put an explanation point on your status via an emoji is so annoying. Here are the ones that need to be used 96% less of the time:
Use an emoticon every now and then.
Say what you want about Cigarettes being unhealthy - but there are few things sexier than a beautiful woman smoking a cigarette.
Charles Manson, the effigy of fascinating
IF I were a moron I wouldn’t read this either.
I’ve figured it out. Just follow these easy rules and you are guaranteed to have a better year than the one prior. Some of you may disagree with what I say, but, just know that if you do disagree, the only reason you disagree is because you are too busy with pushing your politically correct, possibly religious, perhaps incredibly liberal, my opinion is right and you are wrong agenda. So for the sake of all of our sanity, read this and listen to this. Don’t be stupid.
1. Be tolerant. Whether you’re a Prius driving, tree hugging liberal or you’re a gun loving, god fearing conservative - you need to be tolerant of eachother. What we all make the mistake of is we buy into the propaganda of the Government powered media. They do an absolutely wonderful job of creating passionate hatred between the human species instead of focusing on the actual problems. Instead of being mad at the people making our rules, taxing our money, deciding prices (and I’m not solely talking about the Government, I’m talking about the executives, the media, the billionaires, etc.) we get mad at the labels put on us. It’s the conservatives fault. It’s the liberals fault. It’s minorities fault. White people are racist. Black people are lazy. Mexicans are taking all of our tax payer money. We all just need to, and excuse my French, shut the fuck up. Can’t we all just get along? Yes. Yes, we can.
2a. Get off the computer. I’m not necessarily talking about the computer or internet in general. I’m talking about Facebook. And for some of you I’m talking about Twitter and Instagram too. But, seriously, for 80% of you, you really need to get off Facebook. Facebook has done nothing but make everyone stupid. Remember when people started hating MySpace? It became more about your picture comments and friend accumulation than connecting with your friends. Facebook is becoming the same way except multiply the madness, drama, and everything we began to hate about MySpace, by 1,000 and now you have Facebook. It’s now about likes and shares and not about creeping on your friends or broadening your social network. Its so pathetic. Let’s bring back MySpace. Let’s let our parents and grandparents have Facebook.
2b. Please, get off the computer. As the previous paragraph stated, you being on the computer all the time is doing nothing but making you a moron. Keyboard superstars, keyboard doctors, keyboard gangsters, keyboard bad asses, etc. Trust what I say, if we all just deactivated our Facebook the world would be so much more beautiful.
2c. GET OFF THE FUCKING COMPUTER. As I’ve stressed for the prior two points, the internet is making you stupid. It’s making you feel smarter than you actually are. Not to say that you actually are stupid, but it’s making you look and act stupid. Think about it. This is the norm when scrolling along your news feed:
"Who tryna get turnt? Hmu."
“Lms if u goin to the rod runs.”
“Insert insanely idiotic rap lyric here”
I could continue showing you examples of stupid things we all see on Facebook but I won’t. There isn’t enough time for that. I would also like to beg, plead and respectfully ask for all of the mothers on Facebook to please, please, please, please, please, sweethearts please! Stop posting every update of your child to us on Facebook. Now, I know what you’re thinking. If I don’t like seeing you post an update about your son sneezing three times this morning then I should just unfriend you right? But think about it… if everyone unfriended you that thought it was annoying you telling Facebook every time you take your child to Children’s hospital or that little Joey’s tummy is upset, would you have any friends? I’ll go ahead and answer that for you. No you would not. I’m sure some of you reading this are feeling your blood boil thinking to yourself: I love my son/daughter! It’s important to let people know he doesn’t feel good! It’s important to let people know that he stood up for 2.4 seconds today! It’s important to let people know that a mosquito bit little Clarissa today at the river! It’s important to tell everyone that little Bobby pitched a fit at Wal-Mart today. Angel, sweetie, honey baby, can I tell you something? We don’t want to hear about it. At all. Instead of focusing on letting people know what your child did today and wasting the energy and time to upload a picture or video or posting a status… just cherish the time with your baby… or uh… get off the computer and go read a fucking book.
3. Quit going out to eat. Or if you won’t give up overpriced food at least go to a mom and pop restaurant and give money to people like yourself. Quit shopping at Wal-Mart. Quit buying $30,000+ cars. Quit watching YouTube videos and making lazy 16 year olds rich and famous for stating their opinions on celebrities and what you should wear and other things that aren’t important in any way shape or form. Quit listening to Miley Cyrus and Kanye West. Quit comparing yourselves to celebrities. Quit fan-girling. Quit taking selfies. Quit playing the number game on Facebook. Quit using the crying emoji. Quit telling people how dank your kush is. Quit giving Hunter Moore attention on twitter. Quit sending Hunter Moore nudes. Quit calling Hunter Moore father. Quit being a slut. Quit being an online slut. Quit retweeting Tyler The Creator. Quit telling people to like your status. Quit complaining to Facebook. Quit begging for attention. Quit being cliche. And the biggest thing to quit doing… QUIT WATCHING TV. You all think you’re original, you all think you’re more than a social security number, more than a statistic, but you still continue to let the TV tell you what to wear, how to be, what to like, why to like it, what to eat, how to dress. To quote the great Tyler Durden: you’re not your fucking khakis.
Some of this seems a little controversial, some of it seems silly, some of it seems bizarre but I guarantee you that if you listen to me you will have a better year. Pretend some over analyzed, over compensated, overrated, not-that-clever celebrity like John Lennon, Bob Marley, Tupac, Barack Obama, Kurt Cobain or anyone else along those pretentious lines wrote this… and follow it. You can thank me later.
Michael / Kobe
Kobe / Michael
Less than 365 days ago I was an atheist. I was a drug addict, an alcoholic and a monster. My addiction was so bad 7 months ago that it made me lose my mind momentarily in which got me to Peninsula Psychiatric hospital not once, but twice. I lost friendships, I lost my girlfriend, I lost my family’s trust. I hurt people I’d never in a million years want to hurt. I imagine no mother wants to visit her son in a Psychiatric hospital. And no mother wants to visit her son in drug rehab. I can’t imagine how big of an embarrassment I am to the people that love me. After drug rehab only a few things changed. I still smoked and I still drank. The only thing I didn’t do was the drug that got me into the drug rehab in the first place. But it didn’t change anything at all. The one and only thing my drug rehab did do was make me realize that I can’t do anything by myself. So about a month ago me, Codee, and Kayla, all went on a road trip. We went to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, then to Daytona Beach, Florida, then to Gulf Shores, Alabama, then to New Orleans, Louisiana, then to Nashville, Tennessee, then back home. But my brother Codee left for home after Daytona Beach but before he left we had a talk about how to get to heaven and he explained to me so many things I didn’t know and for the first time in my life everything in the world made sense. Before then I was a lot like a lot of you. I said I was a Christian but anyone can say anything. The majority of you are Sunday Christians or holiday Christians or are only Christians when someone you know dies. That’s not a Christian. That is a sin harborer. You all are Christians for a portion of your day or a portion of your week but then go right back and do what you always do. We are all forgiven for every sin we commit but that doesn’t mean you can keep on doing everything you’re doing and just keep on asking for forgiveness and think you’re forgiven - because you’re not. Now let me make this clear, I am nobody. I don’t know anything. I can’t judge you and I don’t. I don’t care what you do. But what I do know is it is my job as God’s child to spread his love and every single day for the passed month I have been doing that. But it doesn’t matter what I did yesterday or last month. The only thing that matters is today. I’m still not perfect and I still sin every single day and don’t do nearly as much good as I can or should. I’m human. It’s impossible for me not to sin but the difference is - and this is what my brother told me that night in Daytona Beach - I try a lot harder than you do. I’m not talking to all of you I may not even be talking to any of you. For all I know you all are better Christians than I am. I may be the worst one. I don’t know and neither do you nor does anyone you will ever meet. The point is you all, excuse me, WE all need to open our eyes. Look around you. Look at all the evil. We are God’s disciples and it is all of our responsibility to spread his word. I’m your brother. Everyone you see is your brother or sister. Don’t you want your brother and sister to be in heaven with you? I don’t know about you but I do. I want to see all of you in heaven but its not going to happen until you try as hard at that as you do at getting likes on Facebook or looking good when you go out or being the best basketball player or having a nice body or making good grades at school or having hundreds of followers on Instagram. We all try so hard to be the best at everything that doesn’t matter. Why not try to be the best at something that does. We can all change the world if we try. If God can give me another life he can come into yours and change yours as well. Do not ever doubt that. Just try.
And to the non believer, know that I pray for you every single day and night because I love you and want you to spend eternity with me and all your brothers and sisters. That may mean nothing to you but ONE DAY YOU WILL BOW and may God have mercy on your soul.